Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a
chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99%
of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place
as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as
adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work
out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not
be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men
elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a
beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By
the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on
Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how
many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the
pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of
old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a
snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a
Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking
better pictures.
Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms,
either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that
and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or
replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.",
"What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe
he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm
hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah."
Pause. And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
"Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just
about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
